Being Vulnerable by Having Hard Conversations

Tuesday, August 4th was the day. So much had built up in my life for this day, but it was time. It was time for me to break the unspoken rule and change my world. It was time to say “I’m sorry.” I had spent weeks writing the Letter to Karen but I had to actually send it. I didn’t want to just send an email pouring out my heart to my parents without any background, so I decided the best course of action was to call them, tell them I’m sorry, I’m ready to listen, and that I’m sending them a letter that explains everything. 

Too many times in my life I would talk to them, they’d say something like “Hillary is crooked,” “Benghazi!” or my personal favorite “Trump is not racist” that would make my head explode. We’d get into an argument and it ended with one of us hanging up on each other. This was why I decided to write a letter, call them to tell them I was sending them a letter, and then send it. 

I didn’t record the call and truthfully, I’m not really sure exactly what I said but it was something along the lines of:

“I’m sorry. I’m sorry for abandoning this family. I’m sorry for not listening to you. I’m sorry for all that I put you through these years. I’ve realized that I’m in pain over this and you’re in pain and it doesn’t need to be this way. I want to fix this relationship and I want to find a way for us to move forward together as a family.”

I do remember what my dad said though. 

“Wow. I’m floored. I don’t know what to say. There’s nothing you could do for us to stop loving you.” (Let’s remember that when they find out about this website down the road.)

Maybe that was all I needed to hear? Well, not really. I need more from them but that was what I needed to hear at that time to relax me and to know that things were going to be ok. When you put yourself out there and feel as vulnerable as I felt, it’s scary as shit. 

What I thought would keep me up at night, didn’t keep me up at all. I slept great! In fact, I slept like I hadn’t slept in a long time. I also felt light. I felt like there was a shift inside of me.

The road ahead is going to be hard, but I’m ready for whatever it brings because I’d rather have these hard conversations than not. 

First step: Apologize. ✅ 

Next step: Listen.