How a Park Bench Provided Help in Removing Unconscious Bias

I recently heard the phrase “The universe didn’t bring you this far to drop you on your ass now.” 

This statement got me thinking about something else that happened recently that I attribute to the wonders of the universe. I was sitting on a park bench looking out upon a lake. While I wasn’t fully meditating, I did have my earbuds in with my eyes closed grounding myself. I was trying to take a break from the workday so I could transition into working on Karen’s Daughter. It is often hard for me to get into the KD mindset because of how much energy it takes and often I do not have it in me, so a break in the day is helpful.

As I was sitting on this bench, a black man sat on the bench next to me. My first thought was why is anyone sitting next to me in Covid times, but I saw he had a mask on and was about 6 ft away, so I continued my relaxation.

Once I fully opened my eyes, I thought about moving for more space, but figured two masked people outside about 6 ft apart was good. Then, I noticed he had a grey felt notebook and was about to start writing in it. Not sure why, but I asked him if he was there to journal?

Now, before I continue with what happened next, I want to admit something here. All of the biases I had in me from growing up in suburban white-middle America have taught me to fear a black man. They have taught me to judge this person for what he was wearing, his hair, and his general image and think negatively about him as a human simply because of his skin color. While I do have friends of various races, I’ve also been unpacking and checking myself on these unconscious biases a lot more lately.

I will be even more honest here. On one hand, I’m almost certain that if it weren’t for Covid, Black Lives Matter, and my journey of removing automatic thoughts in my head, there’s a 99.8% chance that I would not have said anything to this person and a 99.9% chance that as soon as he sat down, I would have gotten up and walked away without saying a word. 

On the other hand, also as a woman, it’s highly unlikely that I would have engaged in a conversation with any man on a random park bench because of many other fears that I’m not going to go into here, but suffice it to say, there was not much reason for me to engage in a conversation with a stranger at this point.

But back to the bench…

Even if it’s hard, tell yourself it’s easy.

After I asked if he was there to journal, he looked at me very confused. I think he was trying to process what I had actually said but then he smiled when he realized what I asked because he was there to journal! This is the moment I met JR.

This one change, in an old, deep-seated bias started one of the most energizing conversations I had in a long time. JR opened up to me about all that he was going through with being a musician and working on his craft. I could relate to his struggles as an artist and told him about my past life working in the music industry.

It was like everything he wanted to write down, he poured out speaking to me and I sat there enthusiastically listening. His life was interesting and I could provide advice that helped him. We both talked and listened to each other until sunset. 

This conversation wasn’t like a casual conversation you might have with a stranger, but more like a deep conversation that you have with a friend you’ve known for years. By the end, JR jokingly (and maybe seriously?) asked if I wanted to manage his music career. It got me contemplating if I want to work in the music industry again, which is an entirely different conversation for another time as well. 

JR and I were both so excited that the universe brought us together. While we don’t know why, even if it was just that one conversation (it hasn’t been), it was a solid reminder that this world is changing because we are changing it one park bench conversation at a time. 

As a white woman, I do not have any black male friends that grew up in the inner city. Why? Because it goes back to that fear of a black man, that came from my parents. It struck me after my conversation with JR, that I bet he doesn’t have too many white women who grew up in suburbia as a friend, but maybe our relationship can continue to change those stereotypes. All it takes is one small change to make an impact. 

I’m witnessing a change in my patterns that feels like I’m unraveling these old habits and removing these implicit biases. When we break through whatever fear we have of saying hi to someone, this park bench conversation is the evidence I now have that the other side has far more positive consequences than the fears that have been unconsciously drilled in our heads. 

What are you doing to remove unconscious bias in your life?